WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD IDIOMS

Tuesday I was listening to THE WORLD on NPR and found a humorous use of an idiom. Simon Montlake was reporting on Anwar Ibrahim, a Malaysian MP (Member of Parliment) who was convicted of sodomy in 1998. He denies the charges, which is not the funny part. The reporter artfully mentioned that when he was jailed in 1998, his wife "Kept the seat warm for him." My mind which resides several levels below the gutter, made a connection between the charges and a warm seat. It sounded much more refined when spoken with Simon Montlake's British accent.

Death Wish Fish

Our daughter has been wanting a hamster for quite some time, but we will not allow her to get one as long as her two fish are among the living. I suspect she secretly wants them to die so she can rush out and get a rodent. She has continually been asking "How long do goldfish live?" Anyway, last night as Patty was reading her a bedtime story, they heard a funny sound like something jumping out of the gap of the cover in the fish tank and landing on a piece of paper. My assistance was required, so I assumed the superdad persona and moved the stand the fish tank is on, but no fish on the floor, and only one in the tank. I carefully looked under the dresser that is next to the stand, but no fish. I am expecting our daughter to be happy about this because she would be a mere 1 fish away from a hamster, but she was looking distressed. No, SERIOUSLY DISTRESSED. We then cleared off the dresser and removed the drawers, then moved the dresser to find what appeared to be a lifeless fish on the carpet. As I scooped it up, it barely moved. I put it back in the tank anyway, where it looked as if it would float to the top any second. This morning it was swimming around, looking pale (not gold) and most of the carpet fuzz was out of it's gills. I am expecting the stress of the event and remaining carpet fuzz to take it's toll and have told our daughter this, but the improvement is noteworthy. Oh, and the gap in the tank cover has been ungapped. It would also appear that Kim wants the fish to live after all.

The Power Of Thank You

My wife had her company picnic today at a ramada in the county fairgrounds a few miles from home. It has been held in the county fairgrounds the past few years, it has been at a different ramada, and many attendees had difficulty finding the spot this year. I find it humorous that it was at the Navajo Ramada and even the Navajos my wife works with had a hard time finding the picnic spot. But that is all in a name anyway. As soon as we arrived, my daughter connected with a friend who had her bike there. I was instantly encouraged by my other two thirds to go home and get my daughters bike. I reluctantly complied and headed off in a grumpy mood to fetch the apparatus of personal conveyance. As I pulled back into the parking lot for the picnic, my daughter ran to the truck and exclaimed "Thank you Daddy!" My grumpies evaporated and all was good again.

We Must Be Getting Old

Last night the cable was out, so our daughter put a VHS tape (yes, we STILL have some)into the VCR and watched Rug Rats In Paris until her bedtime. After which my wife and I decided we were bored and tired, so we went to bed at 9:00. Yes, we didn't put in a non-cartoon VHS or DVD, or read, or even snuggle. I could fool myself and say it was 21:00, thus feel less nerdish, but I have the mathematical ability to subtract 12 from 21 and arrive at 9. Anyway we took the chance to catch up on our sleep. Imagine 7 1/2 hours of sleep on a Tuesday night.

Oh, the clogging of the streets.

I can tell summer is winding down by the level of activity on campus. After the summer session ended a couple of weeks ago, campus became very quiet as many faculty and staff members took vacations of varying lengths. Over the weekend, things started to slowly pick up, and activity is increasing by about 10%/day. There should be an explosion of activity late this week in preparation for classes to start next Monday. Soon Flagstaff will be filled with thousands of new students getting lost as they attempt to navigate in a town that is new to them. The real fun will start when the returning students discover that several of their favorite parking lots on campus no longer exist.

The Revenge of The Gods

About a month ago, we had what was to be an extra four kids at our house evaporate into our being kidless for a night. I wrote that the Gods would exact revenge at a later date. That date was last night. With around 24 hours notice we agreed to take care of a friends 4 kids for the night so she could drive to Phoenix and pick her husband up at the airport. Since they would be getting home late, we agreed. She didn't mention until the last minute that the four of them were all in a week long state of rebellion. We had a ten year old girl K#1 who our daughter gets along with very well. We had a 6 year mildly special needs girl K#2 with casts on both feet from a recent surgery. We had a 4 year old boy, C and a 3 year old sassy bullet proof boy, B. For the most part, the girls were fine. The boys had less discipline than our two extra spoiled dogs. Submitted or your approval (or disapproval) is a snapshot of the next 18 hours.
C: Whats that?
A toy.
I want to play with it.
You need to ask our daughter, it's hers.
I want to play with it.
Ask Kim.
I want to play with it.
You need to as....
What's that.
It's a dog leash.
I want to play with it.
No.
I want to play with it.
Meanwhile, B is climbing on furniture
B! Get down please.
No.
B, you need to get down
No!
C: What's that?
It's an M&M dispenser.
I want some
Eat your... B, get down from there, NOW! ... hot dog
NO!.. / I want some
Eat your...
WAAAAH, I fall
see, I told you to get dow....
Get off of that
I want some.........
Then K#1 and K#2 get issues
Night falls, morning rises and the production starts again. Good times developed after the boys who weren't hungry and did not eat their pancakes got hungry and noticed ONE leftover donut and split it.
I want donuts
You ate the last one
I want donuts
There aren't any left
I want donuts, I'm hungry
Have a pancake, there are still some left
I want donuts
They're all .... GET DOWN NOW .. gone
I want / NO! / donuts / oops water spill
My wife then got to have a conversation with C about M&Ms and breakfast and hunger and pancakes. No M&Ms were dispensed, yet I feel the adults were still the losers in this conversation.
OH! Did I mention that none of the four add ons are used to dogs, and our dogs are not used to people who are not used to dogs, or that the pick up happened 2 hours after the phone call saying "We will be right over." making us late for the appointments we made right after the call saying "We will be right over." or that I love run on sentences.
I'm making an appointment for a second vasectomy... just in case. I also wonder if such an event qualifies one for a prescription for medical marijuana.

New Math

Today we will study new math.
If we have a petite nine year old girl
If we add a semi-picky appetite and the one bite and "I'm Full" syndrome
Then add swimming
And McDonald's where she LOVES the fish sandwich we get what?

The answer is a Big Mac of course and she ate the WHOLE thing -- and was STILL HUNGRY!