WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD IDIOMS

Tuesday I was listening to THE WORLD on NPR and found a humorous use of an idiom. Simon Montlake was reporting on Anwar Ibrahim, a Malaysian MP (Member of Parliment) who was convicted of sodomy in 1998. He denies the charges, which is not the funny part. The reporter artfully mentioned that when he was jailed in 1998, his wife "Kept the seat warm for him." My mind which resides several levels below the gutter, made a connection between the charges and a warm seat. It sounded much more refined when spoken with Simon Montlake's British accent.

Death Wish Fish

Our daughter has been wanting a hamster for quite some time, but we will not allow her to get one as long as her two fish are among the living. I suspect she secretly wants them to die so she can rush out and get a rodent. She has continually been asking "How long do goldfish live?" Anyway, last night as Patty was reading her a bedtime story, they heard a funny sound like something jumping out of the gap of the cover in the fish tank and landing on a piece of paper. My assistance was required, so I assumed the superdad persona and moved the stand the fish tank is on, but no fish on the floor, and only one in the tank. I carefully looked under the dresser that is next to the stand, but no fish. I am expecting our daughter to be happy about this because she would be a mere 1 fish away from a hamster, but she was looking distressed. No, SERIOUSLY DISTRESSED. We then cleared off the dresser and removed the drawers, then moved the dresser to find what appeared to be a lifeless fish on the carpet. As I scooped it up, it barely moved. I put it back in the tank anyway, where it looked as if it would float to the top any second. This morning it was swimming around, looking pale (not gold) and most of the carpet fuzz was out of it's gills. I am expecting the stress of the event and remaining carpet fuzz to take it's toll and have told our daughter this, but the improvement is noteworthy. Oh, and the gap in the tank cover has been ungapped. It would also appear that Kim wants the fish to live after all.

The Power Of Thank You

My wife had her company picnic today at a ramada in the county fairgrounds a few miles from home. It has been held in the county fairgrounds the past few years, it has been at a different ramada, and many attendees had difficulty finding the spot this year. I find it humorous that it was at the Navajo Ramada and even the Navajos my wife works with had a hard time finding the picnic spot. But that is all in a name anyway. As soon as we arrived, my daughter connected with a friend who had her bike there. I was instantly encouraged by my other two thirds to go home and get my daughters bike. I reluctantly complied and headed off in a grumpy mood to fetch the apparatus of personal conveyance. As I pulled back into the parking lot for the picnic, my daughter ran to the truck and exclaimed "Thank you Daddy!" My grumpies evaporated and all was good again.

We Must Be Getting Old

Last night the cable was out, so our daughter put a VHS tape (yes, we STILL have some)into the VCR and watched Rug Rats In Paris until her bedtime. After which my wife and I decided we were bored and tired, so we went to bed at 9:00. Yes, we didn't put in a non-cartoon VHS or DVD, or read, or even snuggle. I could fool myself and say it was 21:00, thus feel less nerdish, but I have the mathematical ability to subtract 12 from 21 and arrive at 9. Anyway we took the chance to catch up on our sleep. Imagine 7 1/2 hours of sleep on a Tuesday night.

Oh, the clogging of the streets.

I can tell summer is winding down by the level of activity on campus. After the summer session ended a couple of weeks ago, campus became very quiet as many faculty and staff members took vacations of varying lengths. Over the weekend, things started to slowly pick up, and activity is increasing by about 10%/day. There should be an explosion of activity late this week in preparation for classes to start next Monday. Soon Flagstaff will be filled with thousands of new students getting lost as they attempt to navigate in a town that is new to them. The real fun will start when the returning students discover that several of their favorite parking lots on campus no longer exist.

The Revenge of The Gods

About a month ago, we had what was to be an extra four kids at our house evaporate into our being kidless for a night. I wrote that the Gods would exact revenge at a later date. That date was last night. With around 24 hours notice we agreed to take care of a friends 4 kids for the night so she could drive to Phoenix and pick her husband up at the airport. Since they would be getting home late, we agreed. She didn't mention until the last minute that the four of them were all in a week long state of rebellion. We had a ten year old girl K#1 who our daughter gets along with very well. We had a 6 year mildly special needs girl K#2 with casts on both feet from a recent surgery. We had a 4 year old boy, C and a 3 year old sassy bullet proof boy, B. For the most part, the girls were fine. The boys had less discipline than our two extra spoiled dogs. Submitted or your approval (or disapproval) is a snapshot of the next 18 hours.
C: Whats that?
A toy.
I want to play with it.
You need to ask our daughter, it's hers.
I want to play with it.
Ask Kim.
I want to play with it.
You need to as....
What's that.
It's a dog leash.
I want to play with it.
No.
I want to play with it.
Meanwhile, B is climbing on furniture
B! Get down please.
No.
B, you need to get down
No!
C: What's that?
It's an M&M dispenser.
I want some
Eat your... B, get down from there, NOW! ... hot dog
NO!.. / I want some
Eat your...
WAAAAH, I fall
see, I told you to get dow....
Get off of that
I want some.........
Then K#1 and K#2 get issues
Night falls, morning rises and the production starts again. Good times developed after the boys who weren't hungry and did not eat their pancakes got hungry and noticed ONE leftover donut and split it.
I want donuts
You ate the last one
I want donuts
There aren't any left
I want donuts, I'm hungry
Have a pancake, there are still some left
I want donuts
They're all .... GET DOWN NOW .. gone
I want / NO! / donuts / oops water spill
My wife then got to have a conversation with C about M&Ms and breakfast and hunger and pancakes. No M&Ms were dispensed, yet I feel the adults were still the losers in this conversation.
OH! Did I mention that none of the four add ons are used to dogs, and our dogs are not used to people who are not used to dogs, or that the pick up happened 2 hours after the phone call saying "We will be right over." making us late for the appointments we made right after the call saying "We will be right over." or that I love run on sentences.
I'm making an appointment for a second vasectomy... just in case. I also wonder if such an event qualifies one for a prescription for medical marijuana.

New Math

Today we will study new math.
If we have a petite nine year old girl
If we add a semi-picky appetite and the one bite and "I'm Full" syndrome
Then add swimming
And McDonald's where she LOVES the fish sandwich we get what?

The answer is a Big Mac of course and she ate the WHOLE thing -- and was STILL HUNGRY!

What Else Can I Forget?

With summer rapidly winding to a close, we decided to take a short 1 night camping trip to Ashurst Lake. We loaded the truck with all the essentials, rented a 2 burner Coleman style (Brinkman brand) camp stove from the good folks at NAU Outdoors and headed out to Ashurst Lake. We arrived at the campground and set up camp when my daughter held up the jar of bait and exclaimed "Now we get to put hooks on the fishing poles!" My mind loaded the image of my tackle box sitting in the front of the garage so I would have to step over it when I walked in front of the truck before getting in the drivers seat. That and I would put the new jar of bait that we just bought in it before I put it in the truck. My mind loaded the image of my walking behind the truck before getting in the drivers seat. My mouth loaded the response of "Oh, crap." So I headed off to the Lake Mary Store to pay the you should have remembered this before coming fishing prices for some hooks. I got back to campsite and we headed off to the lake. At the lake, I realized that bobbers would have been nice. No, I didn't go back to the store. We roasted hot dogs and made s'mores. Our daughter was too beat to continue and was asleep by 8:00 As bedtime for the adults rolled around, I suddenly remembered that campgrounds like this one have dueling RV generators and a passel of peons partying past 11:00. Although there were fewer than 7 out of 25 spots occupied, and our nearest neighbor was 75 feet away, I felt as if we were in a colege dorm during the first week of school. It finally got quiet enough to listen to the coyotes serenade us off to dream land. I love the sound of barking/howling coyotes, it sooths me and frees me of the thoughts of the material world I spend too much time in. Our two dogs were too beat to respond - most of the time. Despite the antics of the absent minded chemist, it was a great time, and a perfect end to the summer. Reality hits on Thursday when our daughter starts the fourth grade. Oh, and a reminder to all parents out there: take the kids fishing/camping - Andy and Opie will bless you for it.

Finally! Really, FINALLY!

After months of struggling, we FINALLY broke down and took our daughter and her bike to a park with a gentle grassy slope for bike riding practice. The trip began with our daughter telling me NOT to put her bike in the van because she wasn't going to practice. When she found out her bike was in the van, she protested loudly and insisted that she wasn't going to ride her bike, but instead play with her friend that was with us. When we got to the park she complained that she didn't get to play, but instead had to practice her "stupid old bike." Her friend and I went off to the playground while our daughter and Patty (the other third of the family unit) went of to the other part of the park so Kim could practice riding her stupid old bike that she was NEVER going to learn to ride. Less than 5 minutes later, this happened.

Now That's Relaxation

It is not too frequent that I have a day when I do next to nothing. My big accomplishment for the day was cleaning the kitchen sink. I was amazed to discover that it is white, not coffee stain brown, with other foods highlights. I feel so proud. The good news is I wasn't even watching T.V., just napping. I'm telling myself it is my reward for riding my bicycle home yesterday.

Where Architects Dare

Some of my favorite buildings/structures in the U.S.

Loretto Chapel, Santa Fe, NM

Chrysler Building, NYC

Seattle Space Needle

National Center for Atmospheric Research, Boulder, CO. (rent the Woody Allen movie "Sleeper")

The "older" part of the Denver Art Museum

The now defunct Columbia Savings in Boulder circa 1973-1990. It was sort of a smashed truncated octahedron on stilts.

Cliff Palace, Mesa Verde NP

Fallingwater

When Diversity Goes Too Far.

Rejected Ideas for Fast Food Chains:

Dieter's Dumpling Den (Dieter is a name, not an activity)

Manny's Menudo Mesa

Lars's Lutefisk Lounge

Brenda's Barbecued Bovine Brains

Somchai's Seasoned Seaweed

Calling Dr. Dolittle

I need to learn to speak dog. Our black whoozawhazit is desperately trying to communicate with me, making a series of half grunt and guttural sounds as she sets her head on my lap. The funny thing is my wife is sitting next to me, and she has no computer on her lap, so why does Bear prefer to talk to me? Maybe my life if a hallucination and I am really not human, but a dog. If this is true, what type of dog am I? I will take votes, but all frou frou/froo froo suggestions will be disqualified. I remind those who may suggest pansy breeds that I have access to a venerable pharmacopoeia of elements, concoctions and substances that may appear in your beverages. Certain hormones that cause funny things to happen to the gender of various species of animals come to mind.

Heavy Reflections

One of the characters in Ray Bradbury's Farenheit 451 stated that one should live one's life as if one were to die within 10 seconds. Given that one can suddenly die on a bus in Manitoba, this carries a lot of truth. I wish the family, friends, and loved ones of Tim McLean deep peace and love. I thank all carneys everywhere for allowing young children to win every time. (I have a daughter who manages to win every time.) Seriously, Peace and Love! - A winner every time.