Calling Dr. Dolittle

I need to learn to speak dog. Our black whoozawhazit is desperately trying to communicate with me, making a series of half grunt and guttural sounds as she sets her head on my lap. The funny thing is my wife is sitting next to me, and she has no computer on her lap, so why does Bear prefer to talk to me? Maybe my life if a hallucination and I am really not human, but a dog. If this is true, what type of dog am I? I will take votes, but all frou frou/froo froo suggestions will be disqualified. I remind those who may suggest pansy breeds that I have access to a venerable pharmacopoeia of elements, concoctions and substances that may appear in your beverages. Certain hormones that cause funny things to happen to the gender of various species of animals come to mind.